My birthday is exactly a week from today.. I’ve not been especially happy about this. It is my 30th birthday and it’s not going to be anything like I thought it would be…
Andrew and I were planning to take a trip to the Grand Canyon for my birthday.. it was going to be my first time going to a national park, something I’ve been dreaming of for years. After losing him, I’d pretty much decided to forfeit my entire birthday and let it be swallowed up the grief. And then a few weeks ago a voice in me roared up…
That resilient, strong, nurturing voice inside that is always looking out for whats best for me. It’s always been me, but it’s also part him now too. And that voice says, “NO! This is 30 dammit! We are NOT forfeiting this birthday, I don’t care WHAT is going on in life!” And I know, that voice is right. Drew would not have settled for me giving up my plans because of him. He’d want me to continue to live my adventures – and my soul knows this is best, too.
So even if it means I have to carry this enormous ocean of grief on my back everywhere I go, I’m still going to go places. Instead of waking up sobbing in bed and rolling around in a blanket of depression, I will be welcoming my day of birth by watching the sun rise over the Grand Canyon. I may still be sobbing, but those tears are going to fall into a golden morning filled with natural wonder. Best of all, I will be going on this trip with Andrew’s mom. Just the two of us off on an adventure to celebrate my day and to celebrate him. I wish everyone I love could be on this trip, but I could not be happier that she is the one person I get to share this with.
We will also be spending some time in Sedona - a very artsy place – and hopefully get to check out Antelope Slot Canyon for some amazing photos. Thanks to a little encouragement from one of my best friends and to the family for helping make it happen.. I’m finding myself truly excited about my birthday.. which I didn’t even think was possible this year. I am most grateful.
I saw a quote earlier today that made me think of our trip…
“I so want to learn to open my heart wider and wider – to listen to it, follow it, and offer it to the world. If you’d care to join me on the journey, I would be honored to travel side by side, steadying each other as we stumble, rejoicing with each other as we progress, and reminding each other as we go that each moment is sacred.” – Terri St. Cloud
Here’s to a grand adventure!
You’re in my thoughts. I belive your soul will find the courage & soar and I’m thankful you were born 30 years ago.
Thank you so much my friend. I miss you!! <3
You may find a wonderful surprise out there in the wilderness. You may find a way to leave the grief behind and carry forward the joy. They are twins, you know, and too much of either one isn’t good for us. Putting them back in balance is a lifelong endeavor of love: love of yourself. I’ve found that nature and solitude in the vastness has a remarkable power to heal. I love road trips and national parks. They are places of serenity and power to me.
Gosh stop it with your beautiful writing… actually, don’t stop! You know you’ve been all the talk lately, many of my friends and drew’s family have been reading your blog some and they all say what a beautiful writer you are. I love this!
Well, thanks! It’s hard sometimes to write and I end up taking breaks a lot. When things get too serious it seems like you have to think about it a while before you can start to put it all together, huh?
i agree, sometimes it takes some time to get to the right place to write. I haven’t been able to write nearly as much the past 2 weeks… but am deciding it just means i need to sit with things longer and will be ready when i’m ready. =)
You’re going to love it Sarah.